


where will i go when i'm feeling blue?

by unspecifiedfish



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: aspec headcanons are my oxygen, it's aro jester fellas!!, thank you to the anon who sent in this god tier prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-31 17:36:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20798261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unspecifiedfish/pseuds/unspecifiedfish
Summary: Jester talks to Nott about crushes





	where will i go when i'm feeling blue?

Jester has a habit. Her mother has often teased her for it, how easy it is to tell what she’s thinking, but it’s not her fault! She would spot a street sign across the road from the chateau just a few letters off of being something delightfully rude, or some snotty rich guy just waiting to be embarrassed and get so caught up in planning the perfect crime, she’d realise her mistake too late as her mother would laugh and give her nose a tweak. When Jester is thinking about something, she stares. 

She catches herself sometimes, when the stakes are high and suspicion is dangerous, but to her friends, she finds herself entirely too predictable. So no, she isn’t surprised when she’s thinking again on the deck of the Balleater and Nott comes up from behind her, perching herself precariously on the side of the ship and kicking her legs, saying “careful Jess, if he notices you making eyes you’ll mess up your whole hard-to-get thing,” and it’s only then she realises she has very much been staring at Fjord. Thinking about Fjord. Both. 

She quickly looks away, readying some cheerful defence or witty comeback, but all she comes out with is a weak laugh. She’s been thinking an awful lot.  
Nott pauses for a second, her ears twitching in confusion, before leaning forward slightly and asking “you okay?” Jester turns and sees her face now, all concerned, and immediately feels guilty – she doesn’t want Nott to worry about her over something so silly.

So she smiles brightly and says with as much cheer as she can muster “of course! Sorry I was just… you know, distracted.” She gives another half-hearted laugh and looks away again. Crap – she can practically feel Nott’s doubt radiating off of her. “It just isn’t serious or anything! I’m fine, I promise,” she blurts out, hoping that’ll patch things over, instead, Nott just tilts her head and gives her that look. 

“If it’s bothering you, you can talk about it, Just because something isn’t serious doesn’t mean it’s not important.” Jester has a hard time finding an argument for that.  
“Okay but… You promise you won’t think I’m weird or anything?”

“Jessie, you’re talking to a socially inept, kleptomaniac goblin here, of course I won’t think you’re weird.” That makes them both giggle a little, and she finds herself able to talk a little easier. 

“Okay well you know how I have – had – um, have… Like, a crush on Fjord, right?” She flinches a little at her awkward stuttering, but Nott is still looking at her evenly, listening as she nods. “Weeeell, okay, so, I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I think that maybe, um… I don’t?” She pauses awkwardly. “… Have a crush - on him.”  
Nott looks a little bit surprised at that, and Jester worries that she’ll chastise her, tell her that she’s wrong somehow. She’s not sure why. But all she says is “because of the Avantika thing? Or did you just lose interest?”

Jester sighs at that. She waits a moment before continuing, talking more deliberately now. “No, it’s more that I don’t know if I… Ever? Had a crush on him?”  
She looks to Nott, expecting her to say something, but she only gives her another inquisitive nod, letting her speak. 

“It’s just, he was my first ever friend, really, aside from The Traveller of course, and he and I got really close and I really love spending time with him and I get happy when I see him and stuff and I guess for a long time I thought that must mean I was crushing on him but… I just don’t really know anymore.  
I mean, in all of the books I read growing up, it was always like that! The girl would meet a handsome guy and they would fall in love and I thought that was what I wanted but, well, I’m not so sure now.” 

She pauses again, waiting for Nott to speak, and this time she does. “That makes sense. It’s easier to misunderstand your own feelings than you’d think it’d be. When I was growing up, almost all of the ‘crushes’ I had were just me thinking I was supposed to have them.”

Jester pauses for a moment as she feels some strange weight lift ever so slightly. “You – you’ve had crushes that weren’t actually crushes you just thought they were crushes… as well?” Her friend gives a simple nod. “And it’s okay actually and I don’t have to feel really guilty about it?” 

“Oh, Jessie, of course not.” Nott says, with a sympathetic look. 

“But what if I was - I don’t know - leading him on or tricking him or –“ Nott cuts her off, putting a finger to her mouth and giving her a serious look. 

“You’re allowed to be wrong about your feelings at first, you’re allowed to change your mind, and you’re allowed to discover knew things about yourself,” she leans back slightly, “and you should never feel guilty for the way you feel. You can’t control that, but it doesn’t matter anyway because they way you feel is fine.” 

There’s a long pause, and she feels that weight lifting even more as a small smile creeps onto her face, trying to ignore the dampness in her eyes. “So… I don’t need to feel bad?” 

“Nope.” Nott gives her a toothy grin and a light nudge with her foot, cheerful and teasing, and Jester lets out a breathy sigh of relief, her own smile growing wider. 

She waits for a moment, before saying in small voice, “what if… what if I never want to fall in love, like you did eventually? What if that’s just not what I want?”

Nott’s smile hasn’t quite faded, and she says “come on, did you not just hear my awesome speech about accepting your feelings and shit? If you don’t wanna fall in love no one’s ever going to make you.” 

Jester giggles slightly, saying “yeah I mean, I love all of you guys, I love spending time together as a group, as a family, and really I think I’ve realised that’s all I really need. That’s how I want spend my whole life. Is that strange?” 

“Jess, even if it was strange, there are weirder things about you. It’s just what you want! Nothing strange or wrong about it. If you’d told me you realised you actually hated pastries or something, then I’d be worried.”

That gets a proper laugh out of her, leaning on the edge of the ship, and she finally feels the guilt and worry that had been building the last few days dissipate. “Thank you, Nott. You were right, it’s good to talk about stuff like this. Even if it’s silly.”

Nott just smiles for a moment, a bright, warm thing, before jumping down and saying “Caduceus said he’d have something ready to eat by now, so I gotta go pretend to like mushrooms for half an hour, you coming?” 

“Maybe in a bit. I was just going to draw for a while!” She pulls out her sketchbook as she says this, already thinking about all the things she wants to talk to The Traveller about now. “Don’t hold up!” 

As her small friend begins to turn away, she calls out “Nott!” She stops and turns back for a moment, and Jester gives her a soft smile, saying “really… thank you.” 

“Of course, Jessie,” and she smiles back. “Have fun.”

“I will!” She calls out in reply, before sticking her pencil between her teeth, and turning back to watch the ocean.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to my tumblr @i-mean-nevermind 
> 
> Thanks for reading :))


End file.
